12 Pains of Christmas for the Akatsuki
by Bri Nara
Summary: Akatsuki prepare for Christmas... each with their own dilemma.
1. Zetsu

**Bri Nara Production**

_My friend requested I bug the Akatsuki for Christmas again.__ I heard 'The 12 Pains of Christmas' shortly afterward. I am like 'YES. XD'__ I don't own the song, nor the Akatsuki. (Pulls out a stamp that says 'Property of Bri Nara') They won't hold still. -.-_

_

* * *

_Zetsu was stuck wandering around the forest outside the Akatsuki base. Pein ordered him to find a suitable tree to decorate. He was even armed with a chainsaw.

When he found a big-ass tree, he held up the chainsaw with twisted glee. That was until he heard the tree talk.

"Don't kill me, Zetty!"

Both halves said the same thing. "What the hell?"

"Dude, you're part-plant. Of course you can understand what the hell I'm saying. Don't kill me! I can teach you how to beat Kakuzu at poker!"

Zetsu thought for a moment before lowering the chainsaw. "Okay. **I'll let you live as long as you teach me how to kick Kakuzu's ass at poker."**

So Zetsu proceeded to the next tree.

"Zetsu, no! I'm your father!"

Next tree.

"No, I make maple syrup!"

Again and again and again.

"No! It hurts when you get cut down! It's as if I'm cutting your legs off!"

"What kind of monster kills his own freakin' kind?"

"Cut him over there!"

"GODDAMMIT! **SHUT THE F_ UP!**" Zetsu yelled. "That's it! **We are _buying _a damn Christmas tree!"**

Which is why Zetsu marched over to the nearest place to buy trees. It only made it worse.

"Yo! Zetsu-chan!"

"It's your cousin from Oklahoma!"

"Wanna climb me? You wanna? Come on, you know you want to!"

Later...

Pein looked at the thing in the 'Christmas tree corner'. "What the hell is this?"

It was a little dead-looking tree that was barely a foot high. And it had a Christmas ball hanging off of it.

"Your Christmas Tree, sir."

"Do I look like Charlie Brown? Go get me a decent freakin' Christmas tree!"

That year... the Akatsuki had a plastic Christmas tree.

**Me: (evil grin) The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Zetsu (duet): Is finding a Christmas Tree~! T_T  
**


	2. Hidan

_There's a little glitch on my computer that won't let me see how hits my stories have past the 16th of December. So... can you guys review so that I don't think my story sucks too badly?_

_Zetsu: Bri does not own Naruto. **She doesn't own us, either.**_

_**

* * *

**_"Why the f_ do I have to hang up the damn lights? I don't even celebrate Christmas!"

"Because the rest of us are doing important s_. Now hang the lights." Kakuzu walked away.

Hidan looked from the plastic tree to the box of lights. "I can do this... I'm a f_ing immortal, I can hang some stupid lights."

Hidan pulled out one of the lights, which caused a whole clump of lights to go up with it.

"Your must be s_ing me. =_="

After an hour of untangling Christmas lights, Hidan went back to work. When he tried to hang the lights up, the fell off. Again. And again. And again.

"F_! How the f_ am I supposed to hang up these f_ing lights?" Hidan looked up at the ceiling. "Jashin, how the hell am I supposed to stick these damn lights to the f_ing tree?" Then a roll of duct-tape fell from the shelf. Hidan grinned. "Thanks, Jashin-sama!"

Hidan duct-taped the lights to the tree. Then he looked for the electric outlet.

"Where is the damn outlet?" Hidan saw it across the room. "Kakuzu! Get me the f_ing extension cords!"

"We don't have any."

"..." Anime angry mark. "_What, we have no f_ing extension cords?"_ Then Hidan had to drag the tree to the other f_ing side of the room. He plugged the tree in.

"NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?"

Hidan kicked the tree. That poor poor plastic tree. And instantly the lights stopped blinking.

Hidan glared at one light-bulb that wouldn't glow. "HIDAN OF THE STEAM VILLAGE COMMANDS YOU TO GLOW, GODDAMMIT!" (Lol, reference...) Then all the lights blinked out. "F_! ONE LIGHT GOES OUT THEY _ALL _GO OUT!" He ran to the f_ing garage, to get a new f_ing light-bulb, to replace the f_ed up light-bulb, and finish putting lights up for the f_ing tree of the holiday he does even f_ing celebrate!

He unscrewed the old light-bulb and replaced it. Then all the other light-bulbs came on. Hidan stepped back to admire his work until...

BUZZ.

...

"GET A F_ING FLASHLIGHT, I BLEW A FUSE!"

So after another hour of fixing the fuse. The tree was finally glowing.

Kakuzu walked in to see Hidan on the floor taking a well-deserved rest.

"You do know you have to put up the lights outside too, right?"

...

"FFFFFFFFFFFF-"

**Me: The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Hidan: Rigging up the lights. =_=**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T  
**


	3. Kisame

_I own the Akatsuki... poster. Not them._

_btw, for the multiple peoples who were wondering why Hidan didn't just give up on the lights... he has his freakin' manly pride! He was too stubborn to just leave the lights! That... and Kakuzu said he's take his scythe. ^^"

* * *

_Kisame woke up with the biggest headache he's had since the 'Seaworld Jailbreak of 2008'. He looked around and saw Itachi staring at him blankly.

"Itachi..." Kisame groaned.

"What is it, Kisame?"

"What the _hell _did I do last night?"

Itachi sighed. "You had a drinking contest with Hidan at the Christmas party last night."

"Oh... who won?"

"SHUT THE F_ UP, BITCH! YOU'RE TOO DAMN LOUD!" Hidan shouted from his room.

"YOU SHUT UP!" Kisame yelled back.

"You did, Kisame." Itachi stated bluntly.

Kisame threw his arms up in a victory V. "WOOT! Ugh... damn hangover... How much did I drink anyways?"

Itachi pointed at the small mountain of vodka, beer, rum, eggnog, whiskey, and apple juice bottles behind the couch.

"DAMN. No wonder the hangover is this bad!" Hand to his head. "Ugh... it hurts to yell!"

Itachi sighed. "This is why you don't drink this much on Christmas, Kisame..."

**Me: The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Kisame: Hangovers... =X_X=**

**Hidan: Rigging up the lights. =_=**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T  
**


	4. Konan and Pein

_No, I do not own the Akatsuki. They're too scared of what I would do to them if I did._

* * *

Konan is the Angel of the Rain Village. Everyone adores her. And she has an unlimited supply of paper...

BUT DID THAT MEAN SHE HAD TO MAKE CHRISTMAS CARDS FOR EVERY FREAKIN' PERSON IN THE RAIN VILLAGE? AW HELL NAW!

"Remember, Konan, even the old lady next to the entrance." Pein said as he drank his coffee.

Konan glared at him.

"I don't even _know _half these people!"

"Do it, Konan. Think of how happy everyone will be when they get a gift from the Angel."

That didn't make her hand stop hurting. Nor did it make this go quicker.

Konan had to repeatedly write 'Happy Holidays' and 'Have a good year' and 'Lord Pein says hi'. So far she went through 1000 papers. And she still had 2000 to go.

All her poor poor papers...

"NOOOO!" Konan turned around to see Pein staring wide-eyed at a paper. "Kakuzu's going to kill me..."

"What is it?"

"I got the bill for December already."

"And?"

"We'll be working our butts off to pay for this until May."

"For what?"

"The electricity (damn Christmas lights), legal damages (as usual), and water (Kisame just HAD to drink a freakin' bathtub of water to soothe his hangover)."

Kakuzu ran into the room, snatched the bills from Pein's hand, and stared at the bill. "HOLY-!" He grabbed his clutched his chest in shock. (Guess who had a little heart attack? XD) Kakuzu proceeded to give Pein a death-glare.

"Leader..."

The next five minutes had nothing but yelling, pimp-slaps, and paper flying everywhere.

**Me: The fifth (and fourth) thing at Christmas that's such a Pein to me~!**

**Pein: (not amused) Fiiive months of bills. =:_:=**

**Konan: Sending Christmas cards. -_-**

**Kisame: Hangovers. =O_O=**

**Hidan: (gritted teeth) Rigging up the lights. =_=  
**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree~. T_T  
**


	5. Itachi

_I don't own the Akatsuki, blah blah, Merry Frickin' Christmas to them, blah blah._

_Note: Itachi's love life and crabby guest are made up for the sake of humor. Itachi-fangirls, have mercy on Bri Nara-chan and kill her after New Years. T_T_

_

* * *

_Kisame saw Itachi staring at a piece of paper.

"What is it, Itachi?"

"My mother-in-law is coming." Itachi sighed.

"Oh that's too bad... WAIT A MINUTE? IN-LAW? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE MARRIED, ITACHI!"

"Dude, it was an arranged marriage and there was no way out of it. _That's _why I killed the clan." Then Itachi's eye started twitching. "But. that. old. bitch. wouldn't. die."

"Come now, Itachi. She can't be _that _bad."

Then the doorbell rang. Kisame opened the door. A plump little woman with the Uchiha family resemblance and a walking stick walked in. She smiled at Kisame, but that smile turned into a death glare as she saw Itachi.

She ran over to Itachi and started beating him with her walking stick.

"Get a hair-cut! Stop wearing nail-polish! Stop being emo! I'll never understand why the damn head of the family set you up with my daughter! Cook mah dinner, damn you!"

Itachi gave Kisame a look that said 'Kill the bitch. Kill the bitch. Kill the bitch.' Itachi was desperately trying to get his partner to save him from his mother-in-law.

Kisame just grinned. "What are we having for dinner, Itachi?"

Itachi's eyes turned red. "We're having fish-sticks."

**Me: The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Itachi: Facing my in-law. =/_\=**

**Pein: Fiiive months of bills. =:_:=**

**Konan: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards! .DX  
**

**Kisame: Hangovers. =X_X=**

**Hidan: RIGGING UP THESE DAMN LIGHTS! DX  
**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T  
**


	6. Kakuzu

_I don't Akatsuki. (I know I've said this a million times, but it's a fanfic tradition. =_=)_

* * *

Kakuzu was walking down the snowy streets, looking for money. Like what to that kid in the that Chocolate factory movie. He found 10 freakin' dollars with even trying! What if Kakuzu could find that much money?

He dived when he spotted a bit of green in the snow. It was a 20. A beautiful beautiful 20. Which got snatched from his hand a second later.

"Thanks for the donation, sir." The dude in the Santa suit said cheerfully.

Kakuzu, getting over the shock of losing his money, beat the crap out of the Salvation Army guy. "Give me my money back!"

"Look, mommy! That guy's beating up Santa!"

Kakuzu walked away with 50 dollars, and the title 'The Santa Puncher'. When he walked down the street again, he had, like, 5 guys in Santa suits following him with red buckets.

He turned around and yelled "WHAT?"

"Donations?" they asked in unison as they rung their little bells.

Kakuzu would have happily beaten the crap out of them and taken their money, but there was a cop there. "I don't have any money."

All of the Donation-Dudes looked at Kakuzu's 'too-big-to-completely-hide-in-his-pocket' wallet.

"You'll never take me alive!" Kakuzu ran like the wind to the base with all the Donation-Dudes following him chanting 'Donaaations~!'

Kakuzu slammed the door to the base and leaned against it. Sasori stared at him blankly.

"What is it, Kakuzu?"

"Charity! T,,,T"

Sasori opened the blinds to the window, which revealed a dozen Donation-Dudes standing outside with rape-faces.

"Donations~! 8D"

Sasori closed the blinds. And walked towards the door.

"I've been needing new puppets anyway."

**Me: The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Kakuzu: (Rings a bell) The Salvation Army. =,,,,=  
**

**Itachi: Facing my in-laws. =/_\=**

**Pein: Fiiive months of bills. T:_:T**

**Konan: Sending Christmas cards. **

**Kisame: (bends over) Oh, geez!**

**Hidan: I'M TRYING TO RIG UP THESE F_ING LIGHTS!**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T  
**


	7. Tobi

_Tobi, be a good boy and do the disclaimer for Bri-chan, I'm tired. =_=_

_Tobi: Bri-chan owns an Akatsuki cloak. But she does not own us. But she does use us a lot, doesn't she?_

_

* * *

_"Sempai, I want a Transformer for Christmas!"

"No, un!"

"But Sempaiii!"

"NO, UN!"

Tobi and Deidara were in Toy 'R' Us, looking for Christmas gifts. Only Tobi started whining to Deidara when the passed the action figure section.

"What about a Power Ranger, Sempai?"

"No, un!"

"Can we buy Guitar Hero? You know, for the parties?"

Deidara, a man who is AWESOME at Guitar Hero, was about to agree on buying it. Then he remembered it was Tobi asking for it. "No, un!"

"How about Sims 3, Sempai? I'll even put everyone in there! Like Leader-sama, and Sempai, and Hidan-san, and... OK, maybe not Zetsu-san... But put the Akatsuki in there, and all the villages. Then we could **take over the world!**"

"What, un?"

"Nothing. ^^"

"Still a no, un. Why don't you a get a Barbie or something, un?"

"But Sempai, I have you! ^^"

Anime angry mark.

Tobi ran through the store. And several kids turned their heads when they heard a very big BOOM.

**Me: The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Tobi: I want a Transformer for Christmas! ^^**

**Kakuzu: Charities =,,,= And what do you mean _your _in-laws?**

**Pein: Fiiive months of bills. =:_:=**

**Konan: Ugh, making all these cards...**

**Kisame: Itachi, get me a beer, huh? =_=**

**Hidan: _What, we have no f_ing extension chords? DX_**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T_  
_**


	8. Orochimaru

_I don't own the Akatsuki! And I **know **Oreo-chimaru doesn't count as an Akatsuki anymore, but I ran out of peoples! T_T

* * *

_Orochimaru thought he would visit the Akatsuki this Christmas and bug them. So he drove to the base in his black BMW.

"No parking outside... I'll try next to their yard, then." Then he drove to their yard, only to see that the members' cars were already there. "I'll try the street then."

So Orochimaru drove out to the street outside the Akatsuki base, to see it occupied by a red Porsche.

"Bri? What the hell? You're not even old enough to drive."

Bri walked out of her car and towards the house. "Talk to the Porsche, Snakey."

So Orochimaru drove around the freakin' neighborhood, no parking. Out to the freeway. No. Damn. Parking.

"Where does an awesome semi-immortal Sannin like me have to go to find a freakin' parking space around here!"

So Orochimaru drove around for over **3 hours **just to look for a parking space.

Orochimaru parked the car, got out, and sighed in relief. He finally found a parking space! Now... where the hell was he?

Orochimaru looked around.

There were maple trees. Beavers. And Rock Lee and a blonde kid with glasses (who is in the wrong anime -_-) wearing Mountie hats.

"Welcome to Canada, eh." Both of them said.

Orochimaru stared at them for a second. Slowly got into his car. And drove like the wind.

He was _not _walking to the Akatsuki base all the way from Canada!

**Me: The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Orochimaru: Finding parking spaces.**

**Tobi: Sempai, I want some candy!**

**Kakuzu: Donations! T,,,T**

**Itachi: Facing my in-laws. O/_\O**

**Pein: Fiiiive months of bills. (Head-desk) x:_:x  
**

**Konan: Writing out those Christmas cards...**

**Kisame: Hangovers... =_=**

**Hidan: NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING? DX**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T  
**


	9. Sasori

_I don't own Akatsuki, blah blah, let's get this over with!_

_Oh, thank you, gaarafangirl91 (Fan-chan) for giving me the idea for this chappie.  
_

_

* * *

_It was Christmas, and Sasori had a toy robot. Why a robot? To avoid last year's disaster.

Flashback

"Merry Christmas, Danna!" Deidara said as he gave Sasori his gift.

"Is this a puppet for me?"

"Of course, Danna!"

"Wait... this is made of clay... OH CRA-" BOOM.

End Flashback

So Sasori put the robot on the floor and tried controlling it.

"It's so hard to move... Why must the robot toys today have such thick limbs?" Then he thought it would help a bit if he actually put the batteries in.

No batteries in the box. Just a label that said 'Batteries not included'.

"Kakuzu! Get me the batteries!"

"Tobi used all the batteries on the Wii remotes!"

"..."

After searching every drawer, bed, and couch, Sasori gave up on trying to control non-wooden puppets.

**Me: The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~**

**Sasori: "Batteries Not Included"**

**Orochimaru: No parking spaces**

**Tobi: Buy me something!**

**Kakuzu: (Chasing off a Donation-Dude) Get a job, you bum!**

**Itachi: Facing my in-laws. -/_\-**

**Pein: Fiiive months of bills.**

**Konan: Sending Christmas cards...**

**Kisame: (wasted) Oh, geez, look at this!**

**Hidan: One light goes out, they ALL go out!**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T  
**


	10. Deidara

_Don't own the Akatsuki or any Christmas specials Dei-Dei may see on TV._

_

* * *

_Deidara was bored, so he decided to watch some TV.

Click. _"You're a mean one... Mr. Grinch..."_

Click. It was the Phineas and Ferb Christmas special.

Click. Chowder Christmas Special.

"There is _nothing _to watch on TV, un!" Deidara growled.

"What is it, brat?" Sasori asked as he walked in.

"There's only Christmas specials on TV, un!"

"Stop exaggerating."

Deidara flicked it to another channel. _"This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to meee~!"_ Spongebob sang.

Deidara glared at his master. "'Beauty lasts forever', un? How damn long does it take to make _new _Christmas specials once in a while, un?"

"Shut up, brat."

**Me: The eleventh thing at Christmas that's a plan to me~**

**Deidara: Stale TV Specials~**

**Sasori: "Batteries Not Included"**

**Orochimaru: No parking spaces**

**Tobi: Sempai, I gotta go to the bathroom!**

**Kakuzu: (Moan) Chaarities...**

**Itachi: She's a witch, I hate her!**

**Pein: Fiiive months of bills. X:_:X**

**Konan: I don't even _know _half these people!**

**Kisame: (wasted) Oh, who's got the toilet paper?**

**Hidan: GET A FLASHLIGHT, I BLEW A FUSE!**

**Zetsu: And finding a Christmas tree. T_T  
**


	11. Everyone

**Me: The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me~!**

**Team Taka: Singing Christmas Carols~**

**Deidara: Stale TV Specials~**

**Sasori: "Batteries Not Included"**

**Orochimaru: NO PARKING! DX  
**

**Tobi: WAAAAH!**

**Kakuzu: Charities...**

**Tobi: WAAAAAH!**

**Itachi: Gotta make them dinner... X/_\X**

**Pein: Fiiive months of bills. (Facepalm)**

**Konan: I'M NOT SENDING THEM THIS YEAR! THAT'S IT!**

**Kisame: SHUT UP, YOU!**

**Hidan: (At Kakuzu) FINE! YOU'RE SO DAMN SMART,_ YOU _RIG UP THE LIGHTS! DX**

**Zetsu: Aaand finding a Christmas treeee~! T_T**

**Me: Merry Christmas everyone~! X3**

**Akatsuki: (sigh) Merry Christmas.  
**


End file.
